


Spiderman Clearly Has Issues

by Aria_Lerendeair



Series: Spiderman Has The Worst Luck [2]
Category: Marvel Avengers Movies Universe, The Amazing Spiderman - Fandom, The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Ask Thor & Loki Blog, Hawkeye - Freeform, I feel bad for Peter, Inspired by Fanart, It's all your fault, M/M, Random OFC Snark, Spiderman has AWFUL Luck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-04
Updated: 2012-09-04
Packaged: 2017-11-13 13:03:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,060
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/503822
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aria_Lerendeair/pseuds/Aria_Lerendeair
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Another fic inspired by the wonderful, wonderful Ask Thor & Loki blog.  I love the author so much for giving me these ideas that I just cannot help but write!  Spiderman has awful luck.  Especially when it comes to seeing Thor and Loki exercise their exhibitionism.  This time though, there's icing on the cake, and it comes in the form of Hawkeye...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Hawkeye

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Spiderman Comic #2](https://archiveofourown.org/external_works/11235) by Ask-the-odd-couple-from-asgard. 



> Oh man, what is this crack? I don't even know! All I know is that blog gives me wonderful and amazing ideas for things from Spidey's point of view and it is so much fun to write. 
> 
> I cannot apologize for this, but man, I grinned the entire time I was writing this and I have no regrets. I love it. 
> 
> I also wrote this in one sitting, which, with me, means it came out rather crazy and rather hilariously. I apologize for any mistakes, they are all most certainly mine. 
> 
> I would love to hear what you guys think of this! Thank you!
> 
> Oh, and I think the picture I based this off of has been moved to page 5 or 6 of the blog that I have linked, so I apologize for not having a direct link to give the author proper credit!

The main benefit to being an Avenger was that he could do things no one would have let him get away with before.  Which meant that he could indulge in his favorite activity more often than not.  Scaring the shit out of people.  

...it was a hobby.  Coulson had been nagging him for ages to get one, and he had just happened to find one he liked that did not include death, destruction and hysteria.  Well.  Not much hysteria anyways.  The screams were fucking hilarious though.  

The highest balcony of Stark (or Avengers, depending on Tony’s mood) Tower was a perfect perch for him to keep up with his hobby.  There were dozens of buildings around, all within range, all with people who would walk on the balconies, or in the gardens on top, minding their own business.  Until he scared them.  

He made sure never to hit any of them (not worth the ‘Hawkeye’ jokes that would inevitably follow from Stark and the others), but just startle them.  Remind them all that he was there, and he could see them.  That and it was good practice.  And much more fun than fucking around in the range.  Even in the range Stark had built him.  

He had yet to find a proper target though, even after circling the building twice.  That might be due to the hotter-than-hell weather.  Everyone was taking refuge inside and away from the heat of the pavement below.  Even the brunette in the building across, who was always reading on the roof this time of day.  She wasn’t really startled by his arrows anymore, but she never failed to jump when they randomly appeared near her.  She’d started flipping him off too, which made things even more fun.  

Clint perked up when the door to the ceiling of her building slammed open and she came storming out.  She was angry about something, that much was obvious.  He grinned and nocked an arrow.  Maybe he could make her smile.  Or at least startle her.  She needed something to knock her out of that bad mood.  Inhale.  Wait for her to settle under her favorite tree.  Exhale.  He pulled his arm back.  Inhale.  Wait.  She was still pacing, but she was already starting to calm down.  Exhale.  Almost perfect.  Inha-

“Oh!  Oh, yes!  Ohhh!”  

He glanced to the side and down a level, by the gargoyle that Stark had insisted they install for some reason or another.

“Hmmmm.”  Loki was sitting on the edge, with his legs wrapped around Thor’s shoulders and was receiving a rather magnificent blow job by the looks of things.  He raised an eyebrow.

“Oh my god what the...”  Look at Thor go.  Dude clearly sucked cock like a pro if Loki was anything to go by.  A loud ‘Oh!’ from Loki made him twitch and release his arrow.  

He immediately turned away from the couple to watch the trajectory, cursing himself for getting distracted by the admittedly hot pair downstairs.  A flash of red and blue in the corner of his eye confused him until he watched his arrow sink into Spiderman.  Into Spidey’s ass.  

The loud and indignant shout was coupled with hearing a window shatter.  Huh.  Looks like Miss Brunette saw what happened.  He watched her lean over the edge and look down at the shattered window.  Clint followed her gaze and started to laugh.  It was her apartment.  And if he remembered right, based on the phone call Stark got a few weeks ago (from her, if he was right), this was the second time Spiderman had crash landed through her window.  

“Take care of him, will you!”  He shouted, waving a hand at her.  Thor and Loki were still caught in their own little world, though a loud squeal from Loki told him they were finishing up.  He grinned when she flipped him off and hurried off the roof.  


	2. Spidey

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And poor Spiderman always gets the short end of the stick. ....or the sharp pointy one in this case.

 

He had made sure, one-hundred percent sure that the next time he went by that building, he would not see anything.  Anything at all.  There was nothing TO see as far as he is concerned.  Except maybe the brunette.  She was rather funny.  And he wanted to see if she had taken his advice and gotten the window fixed by Tony Stark.  

Not to mention he was bored again.  Even the villains seemed to be taking a break this summer.  He would kill for something to do.  Anything.  And that included checking in on the snarky brunette who had made sure he was okay when he went flying through her window.  

He was cursed.  

That was the only explanation for it.  

That was the ONLY reason that not only would he be blinded by Thor and Loki having sex -AGAIN- he would be shot in the ass by the one and only Hawkeye.  AND go through another window.  ANOTHER window.  As if the first wasn’t enough, he had to go sailing through a second window.  

A look around the room told him it was the same window.  The decor was the same.  No snarky brunette though.  Pity.  He groaned and let his forehead fall to the carpet again.  Fuck.  The arrow in his ass had better not explode or he would be having some serious fucking words with Hawkeye.  And by serious words he meant a ass-kicking to rival that hot russian friend of his.  

The door banged open a minute or so later, making him look up.  The hot brunette stood there, her hands on her hips, her cheeks flushed.  

“Spidey, we have got to stop meeting like this.”  

“Don’t call me that.”  He groaned into the carpet.  He didn’t want to look over his shoulder and see the arrow sticking out of his ass.  To to mention the ripped suit from the window.  Again.  Fuck.  Thank god spandex was cheap.  

“I think I can call you whatever you want if you have an arrow sticking out of your ass.  Not to mention you’re starting to bleed all over my shag carpet.”  

He would not laugh.  Moving hurt.  It was not a good idea.  Going through a window hurt on a good day.  The arrow was just awful.  He wouldn’t be able to sit down for a week.  

“This time I think you actually do need to go to a hospital.”  

He groaned.  “I can’t go to a hospital.”  

“Spidey.  You have an arrow sticking out of your ass.  I hate to break it to you, but my major was Business Administration with a minor in English.  My arrow-pulling skills are regrettably nil.”  

He was about to reply when her phone rang.  “You should get that.  I’m fine.”  He waved a hand at her, ignoring the frown, and let his head fall into the very comfy shag carpeting again.  

“Hello?  Yes, I’m home.  No, I don’t...”  

Peter looked up and frowned again when she stopped talking and started nodding to the person on the other end of the line.  

“All right.  I’ll bite.  Obviously you saw what happened or you wouldn’t be telling me the safest way to pull an arrow out of someone, and telling me that I’m lucky he got shot in the ass.  Who the hell am I talking to?”  

He snorted.  Oh god.  Who was she on the phone with?  Hawkeye?  Tony Stark?  One of the other Avengers?  

“Riiiiight.  Because one of the Avengers would take time out of their ‘I-Save-the-World-On-A-Regular-Basis’ lives to call me and tell me how to get out of this predicament.”  She rolled her eyes.  “No, he doesn’t want to go to a hospital.  Yes, I realize my options are limited.  No, I don’t have any battle experience.  Why would I have any battle experience?  I’m a business major!”  

Ha.  Someone else was getting snarked.  She really was fantastic to watch in action.  He had to know who she was talking to.  Then she laughed.  A full belly laugh that suited her.  

“Okay, so yes.  Business is like a battlefield.  I will agree with you there.  However, that still doesn’t help me when it comes to pulling an arrow out of someone’s ass!  What if he needs stitches?”  

Another, longer pause.  He looked up again and saw her chewing her lip.  She appeared to be considering something.  While looking at him.  Correction, at the arrow in his butt.  Fuck.  “Can I remind you that I am bleeding here?  On your very lovely shag carpet?”  

She huffed.  “Yes, I would appreciate it if he would come over.  Quietly.  I don’t need my whole building knowing that Spidey likes to crash through my window.  Yeah, I don’t think I have anything more advanced than band-aids here.  Bring some stuff.”  

He watched her take another long pause, listening carefully before she snapped her phone shut and levelled a glare at him.  Oh fuck.  Now he was in for it.  

“Would you like to explain to me why I had first Hawkeye, then Tony Stark on the phone, telling me the best way to pull an arrow out of your ass?”  

He winced, glad she couldn’t see his face through the mask.  “Not really.  Not actually sure how that happened if I am honest.”  

“Wasn’t Hawkeye the one that shot you?”  

“In his defense, I don’t think he was trying to shoot me...”  

She sighed and ran her fingers through her hair.  “No, he was trying to shoot me.  He gets off on scaring the shit out of me with those arrows of his.  Just because I like to read outside.”  

“You’re my snarky fan.  He can’t have you.”  

She laughed and grinned at him.  “Well, I don’t think you have to worry about that.  Would it make you feel better if I said I’m all yours and I reserve all my properly snarky comments for you?”  

“Yes, much.”  He grinned at her and rested his head on his arms so he could look at her properly.  

“I’m all yours Spidey.”  

Ha.  He had a fan.  A really hot fan.  There were clearly some perks to this job.  He shifted and felt fire surge from his hips.  And clearly some downsides.  Like being shot by one of the Avengers.  

“By the way.  Bruce Banner and Tony Stark are coming to pull the arrow out and take you home.  Tony did say he’d replace the window though, so that’s something.”  

Oh god.  Bruce Banner and Tony Stark.  Were coming to pull the arrow out of his ass.  No.  There was no way he could allow this to happen.  Ever.  He would rather patch himself up and not be able to sit for a week.  “You do it.”  

She blinked.  “No fucking way!  I might hurt you!”  

“It hurts just laying here.  At least pull the damn thing out.  The last thing I need is a picture of this to end up on the internet courtesy of Tony.”  He buried his face in his arms.  “Come on.  Do it.  I’m sure it’s just a firm grip and a quick yank.  That’s probably what they told you, right?”  

“In...far more words, yes.”  She allowed, stepping closer to him.  “Let me get a towel.  Hold on.”  She hurried into the bathroom and came back with a dark blue towel and knelt next to him.  “Are you sure about this?”  

“Yes.  Just yank the damn thing out.”  He tightened his fingers in the carpet and took a deep breath.  

“All right.  On three.”  

God, what was he?  Two?  Who counted down for these things anymore?  On the other hand, she was willing to pull an arrow out of his ass, so maybe he shouldn’t complain.  

“One...”  

Figures.  The first time a girl gets her hand on his ass, it’s to pull out an arrow.  Just his luck.

“Two...”

She was so much better than Bruce or Tony.  He would have died of mortification.  He already was going to when they got here.  Maybe he could be gone before they did.  On the other hand, if he did need stitches, it might be good to have someone do it who could actually see the wound.  

“Three!”  

“FUCK!”  

“I told you I didn’t know what I was doing!”  She yelled frantically, pressing the towel close to stem the freshly flowing blood.  

He bit down on his lip and groaned, burying his face in his arms.  How was this his life?  Seriously!  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had so much fun writing this. I really, really did. I can't even tell you. This was just so much FUN to write. 
> 
> That's really the best way to describe it. 
> 
> And I love my snarky OFC (who may not actually be an OFC. I HAVE PLANS. MAYBE. WE WILL SEE.) <3 She's awesome. Hope you guys like her too! :)

**Author's Note:**

> Hate it? Love it? Did I have someone remove their shirt twice? Let me know!
> 
> Comments and Criticisms welcome!
> 
> You can find me here: http://aria-lerendeair.tumblr.com/
> 
> You can also watch me write fics like this (and dozens of others) live! Follow me on Livestream for fics, shenanigans and a general all-around awesome time! http://new.livestream.com/accounts/7212317


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